Eurovions 2016--How to Vote

Now,  listen up, Europe! 

You made some mistakes in the semi-finals--some BIG mistakes.  But I've decided to forgive you if you vote right for the Grand Finale in Eurovision 2016.

This post tells you just how to vote in the Grand Finale.  First, however, you should read our full blow by blow complete description of all of the contestants on our special Eurovision 2016 page with the link here.

Are you ready? This is how I want you to vote in the Grand Final.   Here they are in their running order:

1. Belgium.  We liked this song.  It is fun to listen to and fun to watch.  While there are times we wish she had more of a disco diva voice, she sings and dances her heart out.  Vote for her!
2. Czech Republic.  Gorgeous voice.  Dull song.  Give it a pass.
3. The Netherlands.  The Dutch like to sound like American singers and he comes close both in the voice and in his choice of music.  And he flirts with the audience.  You can vote for him.
4. Azerbaijan.  Ho hum song, but she sings the hell out of it.  I won't be mad if you vote for her, but it is not my favorite. 
5. Hungary.  He gave this interesting song its all in the semi-final.  I would like him to improve his diction, but otherwise, he's a good performer.  Vote for him!  We'd like to see him in the Top 5.
6. Italy.  It has a little popera like sound which we like, but we get confused with bi-lingual songs.  It's OK if you throw her a vote or two. 
7. Israel.  We think this is a beautiful song that he performs well, starting slow and letting it build.  You MUST vote for him.  Here's another one that must be in the Top 5.  To be honest, we would not be mad if he were to win, but we don't think he will. 
8. Bulgaria.  How this mess got into the finals is completely beyond us, unless it was the radioactive earrings.  Use the time during the broadcast to refill your beer.  Give it a pass.
9. Sweden.  OK, a little bias here must be admitted.  It is an interesting song, even if not the best of the night.  (Förlåt, men som journalist jag måste skriva sanningen.)  Vote for him, though, and least get him in the Top 10, SVT paid a fortune for this broadcast.
10. Germany.   Since you can't vote for the year's most ridiculous costume, there is no reason to vote for her at all. 
11. France.  It is an OK song and the French have been through a lot this year, so you can throw a vote its way if you have to.  We think it could even make Top 10.
12. Poland.  This is a very respectable middle of the pack song.  Ask him to take off the nail polish, though.  You can throw a vote or two his way. 
13. Australia.  We did not like this song from the video, but it was so much better live.  The Aussies think she can win, but then what?  Eurovision in Sydney next year at 6:30 in the morning?  I don't think so.  But vote for her anyone; she's traveled the furthest and she can sing! 
14. Cyprus.  We like a good rock song sung by a lead singer who looks like he's done hard time in prison.  But this isn't a good rock song.  Keep your voting fingers still on this one. 
15. Serbia.  Here is another one that we liked better after we saw it live in the semi-finals.  We like her more mellow voice, which matches this music well.  Vote for her and put her in the Top 10. 
16. Lithuania.  Are all Lithuanian men good looking singers?  Here again, with an audience in front of him, he came alive and really gave a good performance in the semi-final.  Yes, vote for him.  Put him in the Top 5.  (Vill han bada naken i Sergelstorg innan han åker hem?)
17. Croatia.  WTF is going on with that dress?  It almost detracts from the performance rather than enhancing it.  She should get some votes, but keep her no higher than 15th but no lower than 20th, OK? 
18. Russia.  OK, look.  Politics aside if we can for a moment.  And we'll stop thinking about all the beefcake photos of him that are all over the internet for a moment.  It's a fun song, and the staging is terrific.  But I'm not sure that the song is better than all of the others, and there is part of me that says the staging is what is winning, not the song.  Uncle Putin will be mad if you don't let Russia win, but I would forgive you.  Throw him a vote or two and put him in the Top 5 or 10.  But no booing.  But wave those rainbow flags high!
19. Spain.  Don't say yay, say no way. 
20. Latvia.  We did not like this song from the video, but he also lit up in front of the audience, and they lit up right back.  He could land in the top 10.  I don't mind if you vote for him. 
21. Ukraine.  This is a tough one.  The song is moving once you know what she is singing about.  We don't buy the line that it's not about today, but love her all the more for it.  Gorgeous lighting effects.  Vote for her. 
22. Malta.  Forgettable song.  Forgettable performance.  Forget about voting for her. 
23. Georgia.  As we said before, we love a good rock song.  As we said before, this isn't it.  As we said before, don't waste a vote on them. 
24. Austria.  We hated this song without limits on the video.  But she is so charming on stage in that gown and obviously having the time of her life competing in Eurovision, it is tough to tell you not to vote for her.  So I won't tell you not to, but I won't tell you to, either.  OK, put here in the 10-15th place range, so she can go home with her head up. 
25. United Kingdom.  They're so cute and young, I want to help them with their homework.  No one votes for the UK anyway, but you could give them one or two so they don't go home with nothing.  Maybe 18th place?
26. Armenia.  Honey, the audience is mostly gay men.  What is up singing in a bathing suit and nylon stockings.  How this awful song got beyond the semi-finals when better songs were sent home is beyond us.  Take a lead from the Azeris and put this song dead last, which is one placement too high for it.  

Now you know how to vote, and don't let me down!  If you don't vote the way I like in Eurovision, I might just have to vote for Donald Trump in November.  Have I made myself clear?