Royal Wedding in Sweden

 Prins Carl Philip den Sexiga (1979-2015)

Prins Carl Philip den Tråkiga (2015-    )

Snart får Prins Karl Philip kärlekens rött kort.
Game over, mate!

Gay men and single women the world over have entered high Victorian mourning this week over the pending nuptials of Prince Carl Philip of Sweden, also known as the Duke of Värmland (only Swedes know--or care--where that is).  Known as the Playboy Prince of Sweden, his royal highness will soon hit new lows of sexiness.  We all know what happens to men when they get married and it ain't pretty.

Carl Philip will marry Miss Sofia Hellqvist, now one of the most hated women in the world.  However, we are sure she will have much to add to the Swedish royal family.  She has posed for erotic (although not explicitly nude pictures) and has been a reality TV star in Sweden.  The experience in reality TV will probably be the best training for entering the life of a European royal family, even if it is only Sweden.

Radio Free Järbo caught up with several celebrities to ask their reaction to the upcoming royal wedding.

Lady Mary Crawley, Downton Abbey, England and Widow

Lady Mary can barely hold back
the tears when talking to Radio
Free Järbo about Prince Carl Philip.
She rang for tea. 

In our interview with Lady Mary, she was barely able to contain her disappointment.  "I would have been a much better princess for Sweden that Ms. Hellqvist," she sobbed.  "I am used to big houses and bossing the staff around."  Seen as her last chance to improve her title, Lady Mary couldn't quite bring herself to wish the Prince happiness.  "I bet she can't cook worth a damn either.  I can at least make an omelet.  That has eggs in it, right?"

After ordering tea from Carson, Lady Mary regained her composure slightly.  "It is not that I am snobby.  It is just that it takes a blue blood to understand a blue blood.   Sugar?  And have some cake." According to Ms. Crawley the King and Queen have stated publicly they would be happier with her as a daughter-in-law that Ms. Hellqvist.  "How hard can it be to learn Swedish, anyway?"

Aaron Schock, Former US Congressman and "Straight" Man

"More Swedish chicks for me,"
says Aaron Schock. 
Oh girlfriend pahleez!

"Dudes marry chicks.  That's what dudes do.  Even sexy, good-looking dudes with  ripped, dynamite bodies like Carl does," says former United States Congressman Aaron Schock.  "Anyway," he continues, "more Swedish chicks for me." 

Schock shocked the US with his shlock answers to allogations that he took his male "personal assistant" with him while traveling overseas, and recently resigned his office.   Often seen posing shirtless showing off a rather buff and beautiful bod, the kind rarely seen on Republican politicians in the United States, Schock raised eyebrows when he posed for a picture in a pink shirt and teal belt.  Often voting against gay rights issues, American gay men everywhere are glad to see him go, but will miss the beefcake pictures. 



Tonya Harding, US Olympic Figure Skater (and cheater)

"He was the one man I really
loved," confessed Ms. Harding.
We are still waiting for her to
confess the rest. 

"I knew I should have broken that bitch's legs when I had the chance, but now it's too late and she'll be walking down the aisle in the white dress with Carlie Philly instead of me.  Wait, strike that.  I didn't say that."  So said for US Olympic Figure skater Tonya Harding.  Known for her role in trying to off Nancy Kerrigan so she could win the Olympic gold medal, Harding is also known for having her "skate come untied" at the Olympics in Lillehammer.   It seems her laces came untied just after she missed her opening jump and with tears streaming down her face, she asked the referee for a do over.   "But, I have cried more over this wedding than those Olympics," said Ms. Harding.