01 Denmark
The Good: The staging with that glass box is really interesting and hard to pull your eyes from. Very good dancing.
The Bad: As much as I don’t want to look away from the staging, we don’t want to listen to the song itself. It isn’t very interesting or exciting to us.
Where it belongs: Lower middle placement.
02 Germany
The Good: It isn’t any longer than three minutes.
The Bad: Same old, same old, same old. We’ve heard this song before, seen this costume before and saw this dance routine before and didn’t like it the first 100 times.
Where it belongs: On the trash heap. Nul points.
03 Israel
The Good: He’s not too bad looking with good singing technique.
The Bad: We are not a fan of the song or how his voice actually sounds.
Where it belongs: Middle placement would be about right.
04 Belgium
The Good: It’s not the usual Eurovision fare.
The Bad: There’s not much to like outside of the dancers.
Where it belongs: Towards the bottom.
05 Albania
The Good: Holding true to their musical roots, the song blends traditional Albanian sounds with modern music, making an interesting mix.
The Bad: We didn’t find his singing live was as strong as we would like to have seen it.
Where it belongs: Upper middle.
06 Greece
The Good: His onstage presence is infectiously joyful. He’s having fun.
The Bad: Not a real fan of the music itself.
Where it belongs: His backstory of how he almost gave up on music makes me want to see him do well enough to help him regain his confidence. Maybe 11 to 15 is right for him.
07 Ukraine
The Good: We love her voice, the song—not so much.
The Bad: The song lets her voice down, we think.
Where it belongs: Middle of the pack would be right.
08 Australia
The Good: Her voice is crystal clear and her stage presence commanding. She wanted fire, fog, a wind machine, and, true to past Australian entries, an elevator. She has got it all.
The Bad: The song lets her down, we think, because a voice that good should be showcased better. (She and Ukraine should talk in the green room.)
Where it belongs: Top 10.
09 Serbia
The Good: It’s rock.
The Bad: It’s growler rock.
Where it belongs: Towards the bottom.
10 Malta
The Good: It’s a good old-fashioned song with a beginning, middle and end delivered by a decent singer (who is also easy on the eyes).
The Bad: It’s a simple song that isn’t demanding of the listener. That’s not bad in our eyes but I think Europe won’t like it. The juries should, however.
Where it belongs. I’d have it top 10. It should stay 10-15.
11 Czechia
The Good: One of the more interesting songs in the final from a musical point of view. He can really sing it well and even hit those intense and long notes just right.
The Bad: It’s not the most inspired staging, so it might miss votes because it doesn’t grab you visually in the same way as other entries do. He’ll get the cute boy votes, though.
Where it belongs: In the top 10 if not the top 5.
12 Bulgaria
The Good: The (Swedish) dancers are good and the production is fun to watch.
The Bad: The production is much better than the song which isn’t so original, and it’s a shame because a different types of song would suit her voice better. I think Bulgaria was trying to pick a crowd pleaser. Maybe they’ve succeeded.
Where it belongs: In my book bottom quarter, but it will likely score higher.
13 Croatia
The Good: Harmonies with harmony to spare. Plus we liked their response to the snarky Israeli journalists comment about henna.
The Bad: I was surprised it made to the finals. I thought Europe would hate it. I like it so am glad to see it here.
Where it belongs: I’d have it middle of the pack.
14 United Kingdom
The Good: He’s very funny and is really enjoying the performance.
The Bad: I get the idea of the song, but it doesn’t really grab me.
Where it belongs: Towards the bottom, but I hope it isn’t another UK nut points.
15 France
The Good: A real French ballad song by a young woman with a real voice that has been trained. She has a poise and stage presence that belies her age (she’s 17.)
The Bad: She’s actually American, but we’ll try not to hold that against her.
Where it belongs: Top 5 if not a winner.
16 Moldova
The Good: It is such a joyous love letter to Moldova with just wacky multilingual rhymes.
The Bad: Like that guy you slept with last night, it was fun but not a keeper.
Where it belongs: Lower middle.
17 Finland
The Good: He’s a hunk and she can play the hell out of a violin. The music is really well done, even if we as big a fan of his voice as we are of her violin (or of his body, for that matter.)
The Bad: We find it a bit all over the place and that it never coheres.
Where it belongs: I know it is being talked about as a potential winner, but we just don’t see it. Top 10 if you must.
18 Poland
The Good: It is not your usual European/Eurovision sound, with more of a hip hop sound to it. Her voice can carry it off, pretty much.
The Bad: While it’s a great effort, it is not especially good hip hop.
Where it belongs: Middle of the pack.
19 Lithuania
The Good: It is very interesting to watch, even if Seventh Seal is the one Bergman movie I didn’t like.
The Bad: I’m not sure he can really sing.
Where it belongs: Bottom quarter.
20 Sweden
The Good: The staging has the very Swedish professionalism other countries in Eurovision hire Swedes to produce for them.
The Bad: The song is formulaic. Her voice isn’t enjoyable.
Where it belongs: Bottom quarter, but because it’s Sweden, it will score higher. (I may not be let back into the country, but I have to honest.)
21 Cyprus
The Good: It’s bouncy.
The Bad: Her vocals in the semi-final were so very weak (really, really bad), that we are surprised she made it through. This is supposed to be a song contest, by the way.
Where it belongs: Given we didn't think it belonged in the final, 25th place would be about right.
22 Italy
The Good: Say what you will about smarminess, but this is a well-produced number, again with a performer whose enjoyment of entertaining draws you in and hugs you. It is unabashedly Italian, so, of course, fashion plays a part in the smart staging. It sounded like some of the audience was singing along when he did it in the semi-final.
The Bad: OK, it is a little old-fashioned.
Where it belong: Top 10.
23 Norway
The Good: Sorry, I can’t think of anything.
The Bad: How long do you have?
Where it belongs: The trash heap with Germany, in the 20’s is about right to us, even if it will for sure place higher.
24 Romania
The Good: It’s hard rock without the screaming.
The Bad: The song is not our favourite. And by the way, we believe her on the explanation of the meaning of “choke me.”
Where it belongs: Bottom third.
25 Austria
The Good: The concept of needing a “Tanzschein” is fun. The Bad: This song doesn’t do his voice any favours. When they interviewed him in the green room during the semi-final we were surprised to hear his speaking voice.
Where it belongs: Bottom quarter. And look at it this way: If he doesn’t win, that means Austria won’t host Eurovision next year, which means we won’t have to put up with the insipid dialog delivered by these incompetent hosts again next year.
